Night-Blooming Flowers

I was sitting in my studio writing in my journal one morning when somebody slid a card under the door. It was an invitation to a funeral for the Jax Art Building:

I never had a studio in the Jax Building, but it became part of my daily life when I moved into Lowertown. The north windows of my loft faced the front doors of the Jax.  At night the erratically-lit building looked like a dollhouse of art studios....my kind of dollhouse. During the day I smiled at the sight of teeny ballerinas going in and out of the ballet school located on the first floor. I visited some of the artists in their studios over the years. I could go on and on, but there are too many memories to list in the sound-bite mode of an Internet blog.

The funeral procession was bizarre, macabre and achingly lovely. It reminded me of Paris in the 1930's, not that I was actually alive then. The procession was a ragtag group of people, some elegantly attired in Edward-Gorey costumes and some looking like they decided to join the parade at the last minute. There was a coffin and pallbearers and a small marching band playing some sort of music (trombone and tuba?). Several artists who spend most of their time hiding in their studios (such as myself) ventured out into the fading twilight to honor the dearly departed.

It was the only funeral I ever voluntarily attended.

Afterwards there was a party at Golden's Deli. I ran into a friend of mine, another Italian-American artist no longer in the first bloom of youth. Like me, she's fighting her imminent decline every step of the goddamned way. She admired my getup, an all-black faux leather ensemble with thigh-high boots and glitter-encrusted evening gloves.

"I would have worn a black picture hat but didn't have time to run to Target to buy one," I said. "Also, I'm not really a hat person."

"The music is so loud I can't hear you talk," she said. "Let's go sit outside ."

We went outside and sat on a bus bench outside the deli. It was a glorious warm night and the streets were almost deserted. I talked about all the deaths I've experienced lately: buildings and love affairs and people and dreams.

"It's sad when things die, but it's the Circle of Life," my friend said.

Her words were oddly comforting to me.

 Suddenly we noticed a man in a car. He kept driving around the block and returning to the bus bench, each time getting closer to the curb. The last time he appeared he was so close we could see his face in the darkness of the car. He was staring at us and seemed to want to speak, but the car behind him beeped for him to get moving and he drove off.

"He got so close he almost ran over us that last time," my friend said.

"I think he saw the way we're dressed and realized we're artists from the funeral procession," I said. "I think he wanted to offer condolences but couldn't think of the right words to say."

"I think he thought we were hookers," my friend said.

The Secret Rules of Farting

Springtime is my favorite time of year. Not only is the season filled with promise of new beginnings, the shopping malls are filled with...PROM DRESSES!

On a recent sunny day I was driving through the Southdale parking lot when I spotted an acquaintance of mine standing at a bus stop. I yelled out the window. "Hey! Want a ride?"

She froze, looked my direction, recognized me and giggled. "What brings you to this neck of the woods?"

"I was shopping for prom dresses at Southdale," I said. "I found a great one for $12.99, marked down from $200.00."

"You're going to a prom?"

 "No, but I buy the ones on sale which nobody wants and wear them as ballgowns for art events and nature hikes. What are you up to?"

"Shopping for sandals," she said.

"Do you want a ride home?" I said. She lives in Uptown and doesn't have a car.

"I'd better not," she said. "I'm kind of gassy today."

"So what? It's a nice day. We can open the windows."

She bobbled her pretty head. "Oh no. I could never do that to you."

"What are you going to do if you take the bus? Hold it in for 5 miles?"

"Oh no. I'll just let it out. "

"Isn't that rude for the other passengers?"

She spoke rapidly, as if she'd rehearsed the answer ahead of time. "I'll stare out the window like I'm lost in thought and they'll assume I didn't notice I farted."

"What will you do if someone points out that you farted?"

"No one would ever do that." She closed her eyes and her voice assumed a tone of studied patience. "That would be rude."

"Ruder than farting and acting like it wasn't you?" My query was staccato, like that of a prosecuting attorney on a 1950's TV show.

"Oh yes. Much ruder." She shook her head at me with disbelief. "Didn't anyone ever tell you the secret rules of farting?"

"No," I said. "I'm not a big fan of secret rules. Nobody ever gave me a copy of the secret rule book."

"There isn't a book about the secret rules of farting," she said. "At least not that I know of. But there should be one."

A bus appeared and angled its way toward the bus stop.

"Maybe I should write a book about it," she said.

"I have no doubt it would be a valuable service to humanity," I said.

"It's a huge subject. I could make lots of money." She glanced at the people queuing up to board the bus.

"If that's what you want to do, I think you should follow your dream," I said.

"Thank you so much for your encouragement, Nancy," she said. "Without your help I might never have realized that I'm sitting on a gold mine."

She waved goodbye and boarded the bus.

I hope she remembers to invite me to her book signing. My new prom dress is the perfect outfit for that kind of event.

 

Exoneration of a Hippy Slut

I've been spending a lot of time visiting doctors lately. Nothing is wrong with me; I'm just due for routine maintenance and repair. Last week I was in the waiting room at a clinic near my house. As my readers know, it's my custom to read The Wasteland to pass the time until the doctor is ready to see me.

Suddenly a pleasant-looking woman in a chartreuse dress began talking to me. She said things like "Nice day we're having" and "Wasn't the parking lot attendant adorable?" At first I ignored her, pretending I thought she was talking to herself.  I try to stay out of conversations with the other patients in waiting rooms; you never know where things might lead.

Something about the woman made me reconsider talking with her. It might have been the anxious look in her eyes or the way she was throttling a handkerchief with her fingers. I sensed a creature in torment who craved human interaction.

"Yes, the weather is lovely, " I said. "So...what brings you here today?"

"I'm not here for me," she said. "I'm here for a friend."

I didn't believe for a minute she was there for a "friend", but I decided to play along with the masquerade. "What a coincidence," I said. "I too am here for a friend."

"Why is your friend seeing the doctor?" she said.

"She has trouble fitting in with the other humans." I said. "You could say she marches to the beat of her own drummer. In fact, she thinks she might be from another planet."

"Do you think she is?"

"Most of the time. Why is your friend seeing the doctor?"

"Memory issues," the woman said.

"What kind of memory issues?"

"She can't remember who she slept with in the 1960's and '70's."

I furrowed my brow. "Why would she want to remember that?"

"She's worried she accidentally slept with several U.S. Presidents," the woman said.

"What does it matter if she DID sleep with them?" I said. "That was a very long time ago."

"She's worried she broke their hearts and they were so grief-stricken they made stupid decisions as Presidents, and as a result we're headed for an apocalypse. She's worried the apocalypse is all her fault."

"Don't worry," I said. "My friend says the apocalypse is occurring because the creatures from her planet are angry that Earth stole her from them."

"That's good news for my friend, since she's off the hook. But isn't the Earth still in very grave danger?"

"Not at all," I said. "Tonight after supper my friend plans to build a spaceship and return to her planet. Then everything will be okay."

The woman's face crinkled with crow's feet and smiles. "What a relief. My friend will be so glad to hear that. I think I'll go tell her right now."

She walked out of the waiting room and I went back to reading The Wasteland, happy with the knowledge that the apocalypse had been temporarily postponed.

Taming The Beast Within

I used to choose my doctors based on whether they had copies of The New Yorker in the waiting room. I harbored a vague, post-collegiate idea that any doctor who read The New Yorker was better equipped to treat me than some guy who read Field and Stream or Auto World.

Nowadays I base my choice of doctors on geographic location and whether they're in my health insurance network. I also bring my own reading material.

I was sitting in a doctor's waiting room perusing a paperback copy of The Wasteland which I've been dragging around since college. The Wasteland is my favorite thing to read in doctors' waiting rooms because it puts a perspective on the syntactic contradictions of metaphysical juxtapositions which occur during verb transitions.  Also, it fits in my purse.

Although I was immersed in my book, I couldn't help but notice a pair of squirming little kids who were camped out with their mother in a nearby elbow of couches. They appeared to be girl children. They were staring at me, whispering to each other and emitting torrents of giggling.

"Don't mind them," the mother said. "They're playing Guess-the-Pet."

"I don't know that game," I said. "I grew up in Ohio and we didn't have the same games as Minnesota."

"It's a game they made up. It helps them pass the time in waiting rooms."

One of the little girls shouted, "Cat!"

"She's guessing you have a pet cat," the mother said.

"Wrong," I said. "I harbor no cats in my lair. I confess, however, I've seriously considered getting a cat and a camera and filming some cat videos. I think it might help my art career."

"Ostrich!" the second little girl shouted.

 "Omigod, I do NOT have a pet ostrich!" I said. "They are SO into denial. I'm about brutal honesty. Except sometimes I get carried away and shoot myself in the foot by talking too much."

"Dog!" the first little girl shouted.

"She means like hunting dog," the mother said. "Since you shot yourself in the foot."

"I like dogs, but they're sluts," I said. "I am not a slut, even though I sometimes dress like one. You see, it's a persona, not the real me. Except it's sort of the real me."

"Hedgehog!" shouted girl number two.

"I am not a hedgehog," I said. "I know I have anxiety issues, but I have never...read my lips: NEVER...rolled up into a ball in public."

The girls threw themselves onto the floor and rolled themselves into balls, laughing wildly.

A nurse came out and looked at the girls.

"They're hedgehogs," the mother said. "Silly hedgehogs."

 "In that case, the veterinarian is ready to see you," the nurse said.

A Man in the Street is Worth Two in the House

As a serious artist, I think about beauty a lot. I've formulated some theories about what we find beautiful, and I've decided to share one of my theories with you today. 

I think that what we find beautiful is consistent with what we find familiar. When we see a lot of something,  we get used to it and decide it's beautiful to us. For example: I'm wildly attracted to men with big noses, and since I have a big nose and have been looking at my own nose for many years, that must be why I'm attracted to men with big noses.  But that's kind of sick, since it implies that I'm attracted to myself, which I am not! Plus, I'm also attracted to men with small noses and medium-sized noses, not just men with big noses. In fact, I'm attracted to MANY kinds of men.

But I digress. This blog post is not about lust; it's about art. I may be a flirt, but first and foremost: I AM A SERIOUS ARTIST!

Back to the subject at hand. We were talking about beauty. Beauty is indeed familiarity. For example, there's this guy I see around downtown Saint Paul all the time.  He works in the public sector.  At first I barely noticed him. His appearance is nondescript, and I'm not attracted to nondescript men. I prefer guys who stand out from the crowd...you know, the ones wearing edgy outfits and exhibiting strange behavior. In other words, I'm attracted to guys everyone else has the good sense to avoid.

Again I digress. We were talking about the man from the public sector. He appeared to be no one special at first. But after after awhile, he began to grow on me.  Although we never spoke, his face lit up at the sight of me. My encounters with him were positive, upbeat and proactive. His behavior toward me, innocuous though it was, seemed geared to help me move forward in my life. And amazingly enough, everywhere I went...there he was! There was a weird serendipity about our seemingly-chance encounters. It made me think we were fated to be together.

Although at first I didn't think he was handsome, seeing him every day has made me realize he's dazzlingly iconic-looking in the way that only ordinary-looking guys can manage.  I've decided he's the most beautiful man I've ever seen in my life. In fact, I'm totally in love with him and want to marry him immediately.

The trouble is, I can't figure out how to get him to climb down from the WALK sign and run away with me.

Surrounded by Nobodies

I love coffee. Coffee is magical. Coffee fills me with a sense of grandiosity which otherwise only occurs when I achieve something really important.

I was sipping a cup of Caribou dark roast last Saturday at the mall. Just as my mood turned warm and fuzzy, a sad little bit of humanity appeared. She was in her early 20's with dark blonde hair and a rumpled pink hoodie.

"Can I sit here?"

I looked around the food court and realized the only free chair in the place was at my table. "Sure."

She slumped into her chair, face obscured by her hoodie. A solitary tear dripped into her hot chocolate.

As an older person who's been around the block a few times, I felt an obligation to offer my advice and counsel. "Are you okay?"

"No," she said in a muffled voice.

"What's going on?"

Her voice caught in a sob. "Minnesota is nowhere and this mall is filled with nobodies."

I knew better than to argue that Minnesota is somewhere, so I decided to focus on the human element. "What makes you think they're nobodies?"

"I just know."

I glanced at the people around us. There seemed to be hundreds of them. They were talking and laughing and eating. Some were in family units, some were in couples, and some were alone. They were all shapes and sizes and colors and ages. "How do you know?"

Her tone was matter-of-fact. "Because it takes one to know one, and I'm the biggest nobody of them all."

I snorted in disbelief. "Oh come on. I'm sure you're somebody to someone."

"No I'm not."

"What about your family and friends? Don't they love and care about you?"

"Yeah," she said, "but that's not what I'm talking about." She sniffed and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. "I want to be somebody to someone who's never met me and doesn't love or care about me." She gave me a beseeching look. "Does that sound crazy?"

"No," I said. "That doesn't sound crazy at all."