It’s an exciting time to be a tardigrade!
It’s been recently discovered that tardigrades are actually alive, not extinct!
Let me clarify that last remark: it’s been recently discovered by ME that tardigrades are actually alive, not extinct.
You see, even though my parents were biologists, and even though I spent most of childhood collecting snails and daydreams in the woods by the Kokosing River, I had no idea tardigrades were my contemporaries until yesterday.
Then, late last night I saddled up my computer mouse and galloped around the internet until PRESTO! I found out that tardigrades are not only not extinct, they’re as popular as…as…
…as whatever else is popular right now.
In fact, tardigrades are so popular, you can even buy tardigrade-themed refrigerator magnets.
I probably shouldn’t have blabbed that I only recently found out tardigrades are popular. Actually, I’m not sure they actually ARE popular because the internet can be an unreliable narrator. But since my readers trust me to always have my finger on the pulse of everything new and exciting, I decided to announce tardigrades’ popularity even if I’m not sure it’s true. (Now, don’t worry your pretty head about me accidentally squishing any tardigrades while taking their pulse. They’re safe because tardigrades have no pulse! )
I suppose you’re wondering why I titled this blog post “The Sex Lives of Tardigrades.” In fact, maybe you only clicked on this blog post because you wanted to find out more about the sex lives of tardigrades. Actually, I don’t know much about the sex lives of tardigrades, except what I read on the internet, and that information could well be a pack of lies. I mean, if I’m going to help spread misinformation about anyone’s sex life on the internet, that sex life would be my own, not the sex lives of tardigrades. And since there’s no way I’m going to talk about my sex life on the internet, I consider the subject of both my sex life and tardigrades’ sex lives to be off limits.
Now that I’ve settled the matter of tardigrades’ sex lives, I need to concentrate on figuring out how to be popular enough to be depicted on a refrigerator magnet. That’s every artist’s dream, right, to be depicted on a refrigerator magnet? Like Frida Kahlo and Salvadore Dali, whose sex lives I also refuse to discuss?
On the other hand, I’d be happy to discuss the sex lives of refrigerator magnets, but only after I do a bit of research on the Internet.