Song of Myself

No one has been paying enough attention to me lately. Does that ever happen to you?  When that happens I get really depressed. Today I decided to consult some self-help books for advice about how to puff up my ego and feel cheerful again.

The first self-help book I read said I should stop puffing up my ego (which they thought was kind of a flim-flammy thing to be puffing up in the first place). They suggested I put more energy into making contributions to my community and less energy into looking to other people for my sense of self-worth. Which is totally ridiculous so I decided to ignore their advice.

The second self-help book  gave me this assignment: "Write your own imaginary obituary, listing all the things you want to accomplish before you die." It was some sort of goal-setting exercise. The assignment was supposed to empower me and drag me away from obsessive mid-winter navel-gazing. But writing my own obituary, even though it was imaginary, felt threatening and sinister. Plus, I got really distracted when I was writing the part of the obituary which described what I wore to my funeral; I tried on clothes all afternoon but couldn't find anything suitable... I mean, I have lots of stuff which makes me look good lying down :-) but none of it is appropriate attire for a  funeral (especially if you're the dead person and therefore the center of attention and kind of a role model).

I finally gave up on self-help books as a way of cheering myself up. I poured myself a glass of wine and ripped open a bag of potato chips. Within minutes I could think more clearly and came up with the BRILLIANT idea of interviewing myself for this blog. I immediately felt a billion times better! As a blogger, I qualify as a media person, right? And who doesn't feel important when they're interviewed by the media?

After I finished interviewing myself I felt  happy again. You should try this very effective ego-boosting technique yourself! Interviewing yourself and acting like you're a famous celebrity is cheaper than plastic surgery, safer than flirting with other people's spouses, and less fattening than getting drunk.

Here's the interview:

  Nancy Robinson in her studio.

 Nancy Robinson in her studio.

When I arrived at Nancy Robinson's loft, I was immediately struck by how young she looked  (possibly because it was midnight and all the lights were turned off). Based on the sound of her voice, since I could barely see her in the darkness, the star seemed relaxed and happy.

ME: I'll begin by asking you how much makeup you're wearing.

NR: Only a hint of lipstick and powder. Tell your readers I look much fresher in person than I do in photos.

ME: Will do. Now, on to a technical question about your art: how long does it take you to do a painting?

NR: Too long, but I'm trying to speed things up.

ME: Do you have any advice for our readers about how to stay young and beautiful?

NR: Yeah...paint lots of self-portraits and make yourself look young and beautiful.

ME: What's the best way to install toilet paper, up or down?

NR: I refuse to address such an important and controversial issue during an interview for your silly little blog.

ME: Another hot topic in the news is transportation. What do you think is the most energy-efficient form of transportation?

NR: Swan boats.

ME: Have you ever even BEEN on a swan boat?

NR: No.

ME: Do you think good looks and a balanced psyche can be acquired through healthy diet and daily exercise?

NR: Yes.

ME: Are there any more nachos left?

NR: Yes...over there, next to the wine and cupcakes. Would you grab some for me while you're up? I'm too comfy to move right now.

ME: Do you take yourself seriously?

NR: No. I'm much too mysterious to take seriously.

ME: We've run out of time. Do you have any parting words of wisdom for our readers?

NR: No.

ME: Thanks for your time and hospitality, Nancy.

NR: Same to you, Nancy.